Once upon a time, I was told that if someone were to give me a $100 bill, I would complain that it was wrinkly. I'm finding myself in that same unsatisfiable mood lately. I have a job now which is really a prayer answered. I have so much and I still feel like something is missing.
Am I an ungrateful brat because I feel like there should be more? So I've been working, talking to teachers and students. It is so nice to have a reason to drag my ass out of bed in the morning and it is nice to be in the company of humans again instead of cats.
Still it feels like it doesn't really count and in a way it is more frustrating to have all these carrots dangling in front of me. It's like feeling a sneeze coming on all day long but never happens.
It's like at cedar point when I had thousands of people through my line a day. I said my spiels but never really talked to anyone. I guess maybe I should look up my shrink again soon after payday.
There's dissatisfaction in other areas of my life too but it all comes back to the same basic principle. I always feel like I am missing something. Some things feel unfinished, disconnected, or futile.
I want excitement and adventure, romance and vigor, and conversation with meaning that doesn't rely on the cell phone. Most of all, I want Ken Railings to walk in here and tell me Pam Short's broken both her legs....
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
4 comments:
I've had similar feelings lately, although I merely want to walk away from everything. EVERYTHING. And I don't care how much it would hurt anyone. I want to be living for me and me alone.
Maybe we should share the therapy bill?
Dewayne,
the unsatisfaction comes from not yet coming into your own, you have not reached your full potential. The feeling you have, use it to motivate you to reach that next level.
Now having sounded like a know-it-all snot, I'm feeling that way too. I think it is the economy, the state of the world...whatever it is, it is not my fault and I'm sticking to that story. It's like craving a piece of choclate cake and then when you get it, it just doesn't taste the way you imagined and you want what you imagined...
I think my mother in law said something along those lines before she died, alluding to homosexual fantasies. Yeah, I still want what I imagined. It's always better than reality.
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